I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
