Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
