you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
