I could make wine with my vomit
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
