she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
