Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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