if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
