dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
