The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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