just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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