I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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