i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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