I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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