I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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