you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
