So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
