just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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