I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
