i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
And then he peed in my hair
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