apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
