just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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