i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
