Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
