we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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