i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
