she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
