I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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