Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
