dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I faked an abortion last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
