I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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