There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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