he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She bit a glass in half.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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