I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
