Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
