it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
