I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
