Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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