What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
