You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
