Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Found the puke drawer
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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