just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
