I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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