dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
