I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
