can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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