If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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