I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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