You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
