so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
