Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
