he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
