How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
