i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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