Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
